Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat