Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Sing it!
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.