Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit