Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
spot the difference
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Every work call, he judges.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
