Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
