Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Well, that should do it
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
