Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
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Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.