Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

I’m good, thanks.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

This billboard speaks to me

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?