Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.