Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it