Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

Sharon, call the vet

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*