Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”
Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–
*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.