Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
WHY would you be happy about this?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
felt that
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”