Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.


Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]


Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”


HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.


They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.


[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”


Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.


I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–

*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*


[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.