Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
rapatouille
