Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words