Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

TODAY

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money