I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
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Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.
ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.