*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

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I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.


Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.


WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.


ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.


Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.



Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”


Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.


ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy


if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument


I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…


I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.