My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Breaking news:
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”