Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Worst bar ever.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret