Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”