Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
when mom throws a party…
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Breakfast in bed.