Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

I feel attacked.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”