opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
You Might Also Like
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
That’s fair
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension