Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steam Forums

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*