opening a flower shop called women in stem
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Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
no way 😭
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.