opening a flower shop called women in stem
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!