[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I missed you with all my darts
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
middle school in the ’90s
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents