[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

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[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX


I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?


Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?


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Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?


That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.


What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head


My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.