[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
You Might Also Like
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Straight people are cancelled
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?