[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths