Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
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*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what