Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
They should make a moral fiber supplement
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Guys, I found it.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!