Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.