Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
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My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?