Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.