Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
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Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Your honor these allegations are
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Simple
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.