opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
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Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home