opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW