opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
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I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
wut hotdog?
