opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.