[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.