[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Just say no
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
the #horror is real!
