[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Breaking news:
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza