[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
incredible
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Meow
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.