[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons