[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
new record!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Mhm.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.