[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Room with a view.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
are they though??
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter