[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?