Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

good morning

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

me watching my own Instagram story