[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
