[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry