Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.