Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
