Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
