Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I fixed it. For me
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.