opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”