opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing