*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.