*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…