[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
