[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
who wore it better?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
