[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Great game to play with friends
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“What?”
– Jude
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield