Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Don’t frighten the programmers!

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

pls suprot

every. time.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.