Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Every photo I’m tagged in

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.