Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.