*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
learning about math 🧐 📝
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more