opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
No one:
London landlords:
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?