opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
I’m already scared
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken