Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

We have a winner.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.