Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita