[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
wait.
yall want some gasoline milk
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her