[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
my mind
You just read my mind
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”