Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Me when I’m ovulating

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Bill is short for Billiam

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad