Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.